Just a Prick
by Freya-Kendra
Summary: Because sometimes you just have to get silly.


Stargate Fic: Just a Prick

**Just a Prick**

_by__ Freya-Kendra_

(*adapted from "Just a Twinge" in the Sentinel fandom)

There was something dark and sinister about P9X666. Actually, it was the lack of anything dark and sinister that drew Jack's suspicions. He was tense, his hand anxiously cupping his weapon, fingers twitching in anticipation.

"Ow!"

When he heard the outcry of his friend and teammate, Daniel Jackson, Jack O'Neill wasted no time. His heart pumping in overdrive, he raced into the thick copse of trees where Daniel had gone in search of some ancient artifact or another.

"What's wrong?" Jack called out, his eyes already scanning the area, his weapon up and ready.

Oddly, Daniel seemed unconcerned. He turned toward Jack, nonchalantly sucking on the index finger of his right hand. He took his finger out of his mouth just long enough to say, "I pricked my finger."

"You ...," Jack began. And then, as though suddenly aware of Daniel's innocuous response, he blinked, seeming confused. "What?"

"I pricked my finger," Daniel repeated. "These bushes have thorns on them."

"Thorns?" Jack said. Then, "Thorns?" He repeated more forcefully. "Shit. Carter! Teal'c!" He shouted as he rushed to Daniel's side.

Cautiously but firmly grabbing his friend, Jack pulled Daniel to the ground. "Sit down," he commanded. "Don't move. If you don't move, we might be able to slow down the spread of toxins."

"Toxins?" Daniel and Carter inquired simultaneously.

Jack looked first to Daniel, then to Carter as his brain apparently tried to process the unexpected question. "Well...." He hesitated. "Yeah. Thorns can have toxins, right? I mean, you know," he shrugged, "like that Rapunzel story."

"The story of Rapunzel did not involve thorns," Teal'c said. "Rapunzel was the story of a princess with extremely long hair. When she was imprisoned in a tower, she let down her hair so her prince could use it as a ladder in attempting her rescue. I believe the story to which you are referring is Sleeping Beauty, which involved--"

"How the hell do you know all that?" Jack interrupted. But the depth of concern in his eyes clearly left little room for the diversion. He shook his head. "Never mind. Just get to the 'gate and--"

"Jack," Daniel broke in, "I'm fine. I really don't think--"

"That's right! You don't think! You just go wandering off on every strange planet we visit, no matter how many times I warn you not to, and giving no thought whatsoever to whatever hidden dangers might be lurking behind all these trees we keep running into."

"Lurking, sir?" Carter asked.

Jack gazed at her and cocked his head. "Yeah. Lurking. Is something wrong with lurking?"

"Well, no, sir. I just don't think I've ever heard you say 'lurking' before. It's not exactly the kind of word I would expect you to use."

Raising an eyebrow, Jack lifted his chin challengingly. "Are you suggesting I have a problem with my vocabulary, Carter?"

"Of course not, sir. It's just.... Well, I was just.... I--"

"Never mind, Carter. Just get to the 'gate and--"

"I said I'm fine, Jack."

"You are *not* fine, Daniel."

"Yes, Jack. I am."

"No, Daniel. You are not."

"Sir," Carter interrupted. "If I may suggest--"

"You may *suggest* anything you want to, Carter. But the bottom line is Daniel has been poisoned and now we need to risk our sorry asses to try to find him an antidote."

"An antidote?" Carter and Daniel both questioned.

"You heard me."

"Jack, I said I am fine." Daniel rose to his feet.

"Daniel...." Jack glared at him threateningly until his friend sat back down on the ground.

"Come on, people," Jack went on. "Let's get with the program, here. Daniel pricking his finger on a thorn will never cut it."

"I believe you are correct, O'Neill," Teal'c agreed. "In your language the word 'cut' would not be considered precisely synonymous with the word 'prick.'"

Jack stared at him. "Yeah," he said finally. "Right." He cleared his throat. "Anyway, as I was saying, we need a better story. A thorny prick is never going to satisfy them."

"Them, sir?"

"Yes, Carter. Them. You know." He waved his hand, indicating the space around him. "The fans."

"Fans?" Daniel and Carter asked.

"Yeah. The fans. You know. Fan fic folks."

Daniel gazed thoughtfully at him. "And these ... *fan fic folks* expect me to be poisoned?"

"Not just poisoned," Jack answered, "poisoned by a deadly toxin that will kill you in a matter of hours--"

"Hours?" Daniel's eyebrows shot up in obvious concern -- or amusement, it was hard to tell.

"Okay. Let's say days." Jack nodded. "Days is good. That would give us enough time to build a ton of angst while we work against the clock to track down the only planet in the 'gate system that holds a suitable antidote only to find out that it happens to be guarded by a powerful Goa'uld with an entire army of Unas Jaffa, and, oh, by the way, they're also at war with the Replicators, and--"

"What in the hell are you talking about?" Daniel interrupted.

Jack shrugged. "I'm only trying to give them what they want."

"The fan fic folks."

"Yeah. The fan fic folks. They like action, adventure, angst...."

"Actually, I think a lot of them prefer hurt/comfort," Carter said. An instant later, she threw in the word, "sir," an apparent afterthought.

"Indeed," Teal'c concurred. "However, there is another category that a great many of them seem to prefer above all others."

Jack and Carter gazed his way expectantly. But it was Daniel who answered.

"Slash," he said.

Jack, Carter and Teal'c all turned his way. Daniel cleared his throat.

"Indeed," Teal'c concurred, giving Daniel a small, respectful nod.

"Slash?" Jack asked.

"Actually, sir," Carter answered instead, "we'd reach a wide range of fan fic folks if we included all of the above. You know, action, adventure, angst, hurt, comfort, and, um," she cleared her throat, "slash."

Jack found it interesting -- and more than a little unnerving to see the wicked grin Carter was trying to suppress.

"Well," Daniel added, seeming somewhat reluctant. "We'd reach a greater number if we did two versions. While it's true that a large number of ... of fan fic folks would be ... let's just say *appreciative* of ... of some, ah, good ... um, *slash,* there are also a large number who would find it disturbing--"

"Who?" Jack asked. "Who would find it disturbing?"

Daniel seemed surprised when Jack said 'disturbing' rather than 'appreciative.' Jack smiled. He could always find pleasure in surprising Daniel.

"The point is," Daniel went on, "if we did two versions, we'd reach a lot more of them."

"The fan fic folks." Jack said.

Daniel nodded. Carter, still doing a poor job of suppressing her grin, shrugged into a nod. Teal'c bowed his head, as respectful as ever although his eyes also held the makings of a grin.

"Well, then," Jack said. "Two versions it is." He glanced around at his team. "Are we all good to go this time? I mean, no more boring pricks?"

"Yes, sir." Carter answered.

"Indeed," Teal'c concurred.

"So," Daniel said. "I guess that means I've just been, ah, poisoned?"

"Daniel?" Jack asked. "You okay?"

"Actually, um, no. I don't think so." He leaned against the thick trunk of a tree. "I'm feeling a little dizzy."

An instant later, the world went black....

--end--


End file.
